AlyBugs

Maturity, I’m finding, is looking at those bible stories you used to scoff at, commenting how ridiculous THOSE people were, and all of a sudden realizing you’re no different.

Eve, girlfriend, I would have eaten that forsaken apple sooner. I would have. I would have taken pride in my relationship with God, taken Him for granted, and craved rebellion.

Oh Israel, please forgive me. I have bluntly hated reading about you. Your stubborn rebellion in the face of the Lord and His miracles seemed utterly idiotic. Wanting to die at the Red Sea when Egypt was behind you, after He had done so many miraculous things to free you, ridiculous.

I felt that way, that is, until I broke with anxiety and the Lord revealed the great log in my own eye. I have seen miracles done in our lives, I have seen Him move in great ways. And I have also seen myself crumble under financial strain, hurt, stress, broken relationships, finding myself wanting to run back to comfort even knowing it wasn’t His plan.

When moved from desolation, into the desert, on the way to the promised land… I crumbled. I couldn’t see the promise and the hope in Jesus, all I could see was my hurt in each day. I would have never lasted as long as you Israel did in the desert. Oh how weak I truly am. How great my anxieties truly are.

I’ve had these great God moments over the last couple years that have stretched me immensely. Moments in church where a story from the Bible is read and God slaps truth into my heart, and the tears start streaming. But the awesome you want to hysterically laugh at your own hypocrisy being revealed, and recognizing your sorrow at the same time, kind of cry.

I have not blogged in so long, and this blog is in no way a commitment to start again. But it is a long over-do follow up. So many of you reached out, empathized, felt understood from my vulnerability and it meant so much. But this past year had many bumps, curve balls, and heartaches that aren’t appropriate to publically share. So my words were few.

This has been on my heart though so I wanted to share it!

Anxiety is a challenging tight rope to waddle through in this bumpy life. Balance can feel so impossible. I’d love to say that I am healed and all is perfect within my body, home, marriage. But that is not the truth. But, I am learning to be ok with that and that is a gift from God. Knowing this life does not magically get easier at a certain age, or after you reach x, y and z goals, is a gift. It’s a gift of rest in Him. It’s a gift of shifting my heart heavenward, but like a stubborn ox, I’m slow to look up. But right there is the greatest gift of unending grace.

When I was younger I felt God’s call on my life. I felt the Holy Spirit convicting and guiding me even though I knew nothing about Him. Later in life in hard times, I looked into the mirror and pledged rebellion from Him, from my conscience, and pledged to run into the dark, into sin. And I did. And it was darker than I thought. At my lowest point he brought a boy into my life who, after sinking me deeper into said sin, invited me to church. I was terrified and certain I’d burn the second I entered the doors. Somehow he convinced me- a stubborn, hurting, rebellious, belly shirt wearing girl, to go with him. And there in the service, just being amazed these people knew all the words to the songs, I heard that still small voice again. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t. He was there, He had always been there, and He was still there calling me. And I began desperately wanting to embrace Him. My now husband and I came to Jesus together 13 years ago, soon after that first church service and we never looked back.

Again, I’d love to tell you that after we came to Jesus, life was incredible. But that far from the truth. The beautiful part of my story that He keeps reminding me of over and over this year, is that HE has been guiding me forever. What more knowledge and beauty is there than that?!

But let me emphasize again, life has been hard.

When my panic attacks started, that was one of my hardest battles and remains the same today. The guilt, the confusion, the helplessness, the very real pain. Simple joys being taken from me in the blink of an eye. Things I loved, things I defined myself as, becoming overwhelming and even terrifying. Truly living in a state of fear and sometimes, most of the time, not having words to even articulate any of it. Before I knew it, my anxiety was back in the awful range. I hit a low one day when I went to refill my prescription with my doctor and he wanted to talk about me taking too much and being concerned that I was too young to be needing it. He recommended looking into a different medication, that I seek counsel and get help, and a pit in my stomach began to grow. My husband and I went to see the psychologist at his grad school and were blessed with his advice and help. But soon after leaving, our marriage hit a very low point. So much was coming to the surface at once and all I kept thinking is how I was going to end up at my doctors needing more medication way too soon and being thrown in a psychiatric ward. 

But God.

But God is always guiding and is always there.

God used these moments to help our marriage explode out the crud that had been sitting there. He used this explosion to minister to myself and my husband and begin to, or rather continue to, change us in beautiful ways. We always knew part of His will in moving us to the other side of the country was to give us time to heal. But how naive we were in thinking we’d just… you know, heal. He showed us how to walk through healing in a tangible God directed way. It is so hard, and also the best thing we’ve done for our marriage in a long time. He used this low point to prepare me for a women’s retreat where I could go and find rest and conviction and sanctification in Him alone. Not in meds, or in people, but back to purely my God for help. Back to calling on Him to rescue me and not everything else. Back to realizing our move was not a landing in the promised land, that that is only in heaven.

I’m thankful to say that our marriage is honestly the best it has ever been. We have talked out some hard years with deep honesty that’s brought great healing and understanding and restoration. Life’s battles have not slown down and I’m thankful to feel so united as we face each one hand in hand on the battle ground.

It seemed like magic coming home from the women’s retreat that I didn’t need hardly any meds that following week. But it’s not magic, and my anxiety is not gone. But what is being restored are my knee’s on the ground, and pride being lifted that I need my God every moment of every day because He is my protector and my provider. My comforter and my rescuer.

After a good week home, the first day the anxiety reared its head, I started to panic. But God reminded me to run to Him first. I was trying to busy myself to be able to ignore it, but he really stopped me, and I sank into prayer and cried to Him for help. He then reminded me to speak my hurt out loud to my husband. When we hide this inside, satan has us where he wants us. Stuck in our fears. But bringing it into the light, that is where God can heal. Only someone that deals with anxiety knows how hard it is to speak the pains out loud in the midst of extreme adrenaline rushing through your body though. The pain, the dizziness, the fear, the headaches, the body aches, the closed throat. It’s easier to run to meds and busying around than standing still and listing these off one by painfully, one. But I did. I stood in front of my husband and said, “I’m having a hard time. I’m scared, I hurt, my anxiety is rushing through me.” He held me, and prayed for me, and got me outside to take a walk. I have had so many tests done and I know I’m ok, so part of the battle is believing that even when my body feels likes its dying. Saying out loud, I’m not dying, I just hurt, God help me, is a huge milestone for me. That night the Lord helped me battle my anxiety off without my medication. That is not always the case, and on the hard days I am prone to beat myself up over ending a ‘good streak’. But He is teaching me to not forget the victories, that a bad day doesn't mean you have to start back at zero like you're on some checklist, and to meditate on thankfulness over each blessing.

At this women’s retreat, an amazing elders wife had us read the anti-Psalm 23 and 139. Some ladies mentioned how hard it was for them to even articulate sentences like, “God you do not know me, you never know where I am.” Or, “You never lead me beside still waters.” Yet it was all too easy for me to read the anti version. It’s the epitome of the darkness of my anxiety. It’s the fear pumping through my veins that does fully forget that my God had my days numbered and written in His book even before there was one.

What a crazy reminder it was to know I had just memorized Psalm 139 and almost had it tattooed on me before my anxiety hit...  

And yet that brings me to my starting point.

Maturity, I’m finding, is looking at those bible stories you used to scoff at, commenting how ridiculous THOSE people were, and all of a sudden realizing you’re no different.

Thank you Lord for your grace. Thank you for your lessons that no matter how hard, are for our good. Please Jesus bring me back to you. Anyone that reads this that is struggling, bring them back to you first! And then guide them, give them intuition, give them good doctors and help wherever they may need it. Thank you Lord for my medications, my natural supplements, for our psychologist, for strong friendships that are safe places and great accountability. And oh thank you Jesus for my husband being my best friend and allowing us to truly get to grow up together these past 11 years! God you are a good, good Father. Thank you for always holding your girl close, my God!

Well God does work in mysterious ways. We prayed a huge prayer before we even had the first prayer of moving out here answered. And God answered that prayer for us this month. Cody has been given a job at the seminary that provides him with free tuition! We are praising God for His provision and perfect timing! For those that have encouraged, counselled, prayed for us- Thank you! Thank you so much! Having such solid peace all year that we are exactly where we are supposed to be has been one of the greatest gifts of all.