|Posted on September 12, 2015 at 11:05 PM|
Trying to keep going, trying to keep moving. Don't stay still. Is it possible to feel like my head is not attatched to my body? No, just keep moving. Don't think about it. Read my Bible, pray, homeschooling, yoga, did I forget to eat? I feel happy and accomplished and yet my head is somewhere else. Why today? At least it would make more sense if it came on the hard days.
As my husband walked in the door I finished up dinner and shoved spoonfuls of raviolis in my kids mouthes. "Mind if I take a bath?" "No, that would be good for you!" I busied myself still as he reminded me twice to stop and go relax.
Water, epsom salt, and a few drops of essential oils. I slipped in and turned on my current favorite song that is on anxiety, and is also linked to the front page of my blog right now. Finally- relaxing. Just allowing me to be me, and to breath in and out. When I first started doing yoga I swear the hardest part was the breathing exercises. Today I was proud that I got through it a tad bit easier and patted myself on the back for really starting to enjoy it. I really hate feeling anxiety rush through my skin and make my head feel like a computer that is about to crash. I feel convinced in moments that if I stop to think I will realize that my head is moments away from shutting down and turning off. And I know if you don't have anxiety this sounds absolutely ludicrous. It sounds that way to me too, to be honest. I wish it was just me being dramatic of poetic with my words, but unfortunately this is the bazaar way I feel too many days.
But as I sat in the hot fragrant water and attempted to pray and wash away this virus within my muscles, the Lord put the sweetest reminder upon me. Sometimes going through a trial can be difficult on a marriage. You may feel one way, mourn one way, fear something, etc., that your spouse isn't experiencing. That can seem like distance between the two of you which is not a comforting emotion. I heard a while back that it takes 7 to 9 years to go from a 'me' to a 'we' marriage. Seven to nine years?! I wonder if that makes you feel as self centered as it made me feel! Of course when you first hear that you think you're above the curve and would never fall into that category, but as life goes on and the seasons change, sometimes those fall leaves hit the ground and you realize you're just like everyone else.
When I asked my hubs what he thought when he first heard that stat, he said, "I thought we were totally above that curve." We both laughed at that! His definition of a 'me' to a 'we' marriage is, "Full maturity of dying to self."
The sweet reminder that the Lord gave me was that husbands are made to be our heroes. When we feel weak we can feel like a burden. But at the end of the day, most men are built up by experiencing their wife cheer them on and by being the hero in their home. That simple act of my husband pushing me out of the living room, and telling me to wash the pasta sauce out of my hair in a warm bath, was absolutely heroic.
Through this season we both have had some low points. There are times where he isn't on his 'A' game and can come off frustrated or just uninterested and exhausted. A 'me' marriage says, "I diserve better than this." A 'we' marriage says, "I will be by his side forever and I will lift him up when needed regardless of how I feel." I am beyond thankful that even though we fail at that "test" often, that that area of our marriage has been tested and strengthened with time.
My husband is my best friend and I genuinely love him more each year! Thank you for all the love and encouragement you have given me this year especially. When I feel like a failure, you are always right there to lift me back up.