|Posted on October 27, 2015 at 5:15 PM|
This last month has been very chaotic for reasons I'm not quite ready to announce yet. I started off feeling guilty for not sharing the "why" in this blog until I realized those were my immature, pastors wife, ways. No one taught me these ways, but myself! Being young, naiive, and terrified of having such a large title can sometimes makes you put on certain habits like thick makeup that you get so used to that it becomes hard to leave the hosue without it on. So let me just say, it has been a stressful month, but some really exciting things are coming, and I'm thankful for this tiny lesson of having my privacy with the Lord and my family come first. But in the busyness, I found myself allowing just the supplements to remain consistant, while tossing the rest of my routine out the window. (Refer to my previous blog for supplement info). My anxiety has snuck back in a bit, although nothing in comparison to what it has been. It had been completely gone for over a month!! I have had so many "pinch me" moments over how well I've felt. Sitting in church being able to worship without panic. Grocery shopping in peace... well other than my tantrum loving three year old. I've been so blessed by these amazing results that when this stressful month hit, I just got lazy in all the other area's of my life that had also been bringing me so much peace and strength. (I also had to be on an antibiotic for a root canal which I do think messed with the balance of my body as well. Taking another round of pro-biotics to combat that.)
Becoming overwhelmed looks so different for me now than it ever has before. I've never felt this exhausted by stress as I do now. I am thankful for women who have lovingly reminded me that, "Hello! Not only is it a stressful season for you, but you're the mom of toddlers!" Sometimes you forget how busy life can be with kids because that becomes all you know. All that to say that this month I felt worn down again. My bible study started to decrease, my yoga got tossed in the back dark corner of my mind, waking up early to walk gets shot in my imagination like a bad video game as I hit snooze for the fifth time... and as it all slips, I just feel worse. And I feel guilty. I find myself just wanting to slip back into my little introverted cave of alone time, 'The Voice', and Frosty's ice cream.
And then at night after getting filled up in that marvelous cave, I'm convinced I'm all better. I have energy again! Tomorrow I will definitely wake up early, take that walk, do my yoga, have a deep bible study, clean the house, finish all those projects, do the kids homeschooling like the best teacher who ever walked this planet, make three grade A meals, complete all the laundry that has begun to pile up, oh and clean that dirty car! I've been so stressed, but I'm going to dust it off tonight, and tomorrow will be different! Then I'll feel all better!
Ahhh... What a nice thought.
But we all know what happens. I stay up in that 'cave' way too late, then pass out and sleep so hard from exhaustion, don't even wake to hear my alarm but instead wake up to the sound of my kids yelling from their rooms, "can I get up yet?" Then like a sloth, I move through a sloppy morning routine and wonder how in the world I thought I'd get all that done on my list in ONE day?!
Yet at some point in the day, the Lord stops me in my tracks and speaks to my heart. I take a good look at my life and begin to rest in His grace and know that sometimes life is just hard and my days aren't going to look so pretty. And then He reminds me of how sweet His grace is! So I just keep laughing and praying- and forcing myself to not stop praying even when I feel so undeserving. Just keep praying and thanking. Thanking Him for His grace. Thanking Him that it's never about me. Thanking Him that He somehow loves to use weak vessels just like me. Thanking Him for convictions and guidance and passions that lead me to just take one little step at a time with Him through this beautiful life He's given me. But also just basking in His amazing love. He won't leave me, He knows I'm a mess, and He still loves me.
So tonight, in my introverted cave, I'm choosing to pray, to thank, and to write just a couple things on my to-do list for tomorrow to get myself back on track in this crazy life.
One step at a time... Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.